you can't argue with math

i dunno if this ever really happened. (i kinda hope it did, to be honest...)
___________________________________________________________________
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.

the dog is a lonely hunter

when i bought a house out of town, nobody warned me about the sheer crush of nature that comes along with that. it started with more land, which meant more grass to mow, more leaves to rake. more trees mean more birds, and we all know what more birds leave behind. but yesterday took the "Give the City Boy the Creeps" cake.

i got home from work, let the dog out into the backyard & went upstairs to change my clothes. from an upstairs window i noticed the dog jumping around the backyard, chasing a bird. i thought it was cute until i saw her carrying the bird in her mouth--not cute. i ran downstairs, yelled, and she dropped the bird. there is some kind of songbird genocide occurring among the branches of our too many trees, as over the last weeks we have found a number of broken shells, dead baby birds, and now dead and dying adolescent birds. it was a wounded bird our dog came upon and was "playing" with.

so, City Boy got the onerous task of putting the wounded, dog-slobbered bird out of its misery. it sure didn't fit the image nature i got from Dick van Dyke singing "It's a Jolly 'Oliday with Mary." and now the dog keeps checking the same spot in the grass to see if her bird has reappeared...

don't people have better things to worry about?

heard in a downtown chicago hotel, in response to my question about road directions.

"Well, you cannot turn that way out of our drive because they are shooting a Hollywood film. (looking both ways, lowering voice) And, since Angelina Jolie is in the film, we may see Brad Pitt if he comes looking for her. Won't that be great!"

"intelligent" design?

please oh please check out this comic by Matt Bors printed in The Nation. it kills me...

Pee S2

what is not highlighted in the following news story is why the contest winner thought it would be okay to do this in someone else's living room...

Laramie,WY-(Sat. 12th) Saturday night’s off campus party near the University of Wyoming ended abruptly with a trip to the local hospital for one drunk student.

With 20 plus friends invited over to break in his new Playstation 3 Gary Wells had the makings of a great Saturday night college party. Friday Wells purchased his new Playstation 3 at the local Wal-Mart in town and made plans for a few friends to come over the next night for a party.

Wells had been talking to his buddies about topping off the evening by destroying his old Playstation 2. With his recent upgrade to a new video game console he no longer needed the old one and wanted to send it off with a bang. He decided on having a drawing at the party and the winner would get to decided the demise of the Playstation 2.

At 11pm Wells’ party had now become a drunk fest and he said he had almost forgotten about the drawing. Everyone gathered around in the living room where the old Playstation was still attached to a small TV in the corner. Each person put their name on a small piece of paper and threw it into a bowl. Wells reached in and pulled out the winner. Mike Post. Of course, Post was now so intoxicated he could barely stand. After the announcement Post without hesitation walked over to the Playstation and started urinating on it. For a moment everyone just laughed, but the mood quickly changed when Post fell to the floor unconscious. Not thinking about the video game console being still plugged in Post had just come close to electrocution.

After almost 10 seconds of being unconscious Post came to and was taken to Ivinson Memorial Hospital in Laramie. He was released the next day with no major injuries. (except the word "dumbass" written across the top of his hospital bill)

what is wrong with us???

the following two items come from recent news stories and capture something about the silly & cruel irony inherent to humanity.

first the silly--
The Scandia Family Fun Center, which operates a super thrill ride (168 feet high, spinning at 60 miles an hour, pulling 3.5 g's) called the Screamer, (making mental note) in Sacramento, Calif., decided in March that because of neighborhood residents' noise complaints, riders would be prohibited from screaming and subject to ejection from the park. (tearing up mental note)

now the cruel--
In Bridgeport, Conn., in March, Fermin Rodriguez, 21, was charged with assault for stabbing his wife several times (after an argument over her alleged infidelity); police said that following his attack, he apparently handed his knife to the couple's 2-year-old son and said, "Now, you stab Mommy."